A mother lectures her son about his used dishes in the sink. A dad punishes his daughter for talking back and being disrespectful. A step-mother holds her tongue as her stepdaughter swears at her. A stepfather explains to his wife how she should punish her son for not calling when he was out past his curfew. Why do these parents, who are working so hard at blending families, do what they do towards their children and step children? How do parents learn how to parent their kids, let alone someone else’s children? In all cases, behavior is a direct result of a person’s beliefs.
And yet not very many adults know where their beliefs about the way they parent come from. For lots of adults, the way they parent is a direct result of how they were parented. Most beliefs about parenting are really formed starting at infancy and get solidified by early childhood. These beliefs are so ingrained, and so much a part of a person’s make-up, that they are very unconscious and not necessarily easily accessed.
By understanding what your beliefs are about parenting and how those thoughts originated, you get to discover that your thoughts are accurate or not. Children have a magical way of thinking and often make beliefs about the world that fit their thinking process, and those beliefs are not necessarily based on correct information. Adults find themselves reacting to parenting situations in ways they never thought they would, and they are often unaware of what is actually running them underneath their reactions.
Words are Cheap – Take Action
If you’re trying your best at blending families, work towards identifying your childhood conclusions about parenting by scheduling some uninterrupted, solitary time together as a couple. Or, if you don’t have a partner currently, elect to do this with another single parent to get some mutual support and benefit. Decide who will begin sharing and who will ask the questions. Be prepared to alternate roles half-way through so that each of you gets the same length of time to share.
Inquire about each other’s childhood. Determine who the main parental figures were for each of you. Learn about how each of you was parented and what worked for you and what you wished had been different. Dig for the possible conclusions you made about parenting as a result of how you were raised. Be absorbed and responsive in what your partner shares with you.
Blending step families can be challenging. This exercise can make it less difficult for you to be successful.